Update: 10/21/09 I got another comment to a blog I wrote 9/24/08. I was surprised to see the total number of comments is now 27, with yet one more from the ubiquitous Anonymous. End of Update: On to Original Post...
That's a German cartoon. The German on the right is saying, "He's an only child, isn't he?" To which the one on the left says, "He is now!"
The Only Children I've known have all pretty much matched the cliches about children who had no siblings. Spoiled, bratty, self-centered, selfish, an odd sense of entitlement, difficult to get along with plus a tendency to say inappropriate things that are rude and ill-mannered. Yet being extremely hyper-sensitive and brittle about even the most remotely critical remark going in their direction.
In other words, Only Children give themselves the permission to act, without expecting a consequence, in ways that when others act in a similar way to the Only Child, the Only Child becomes irrationally upset and reactive. It is a very odd spectacle to witness.
I knew an Only Child here in Fort Worth who was probably the worst of the breed I've encountered. Driving onto a museum's parking lot she told me a space would open up, because it always does. And sure enough, a car pulled out and we parked right by the entry. To which she said, "see, it always happens." Thus having her odd sense of specialness once more reinforced.
This Fort Worth Only Child was a married, recovered drug addict. She went to one of those Betty Ford Clinic type places somewhere in the Austin zone. When she completed the program there was some sort of graduation ceremony. One day she told me she was mad at her husband because he forgot her drug treatment graduation ceremony anniversary. Only Children expect every little thing to be made a big deal of. While at the same time they make absolutely no attempt at any sort of reciprocity.
I've never known an Only Child who does not expect a huge deal to be made over their birthdays. It's like they expect a day of worship. It's kind of creepy.
The Wikipedia article about Only Child Syndrome was on both sides of this issue, with some saying the Syndrome does not exist and others insisting it does. I'm on the side of those who know it exists.
I don't know who G. Stanley Hall* is, but in the Wikipedia article it said this, "G. Stanley Hall was one of the first experts to give only children a bad reputation when he referred to their situation as "a disease in itself." (*I looked up G. Stanley Hall, he was a pioneering American psychologist.)
Googling "Only Child Syndrome" I found several blogs written by Only Children, basically admitting they are different and another blog blogging about the Syndrome with several Only Children commenting on the blog and ironically and cluelessly confirming the Syndrome with their comments.
Below is an excerpt from the Blog written by an Only Child...
We have the tendency to cut people out of our lives—entire groups of people even—without a sense of remorse or grief. We draw a line in the sandbox, this is mine, this yours. But our sense of justice is clear and unrelenting—the world falls into right and wrong easily for most of us. The sandbox, then, is pretty symmetrically divided. We do this because we’re only children, and solitude is our foundation.
I know several only children—we kind of attract each other. We’re the honey and the flies. We don’t need anybody else damnit.
Okay, that’s wrong. We DO, we DO need other people. We need friends and love and all that jazz, but we prefer to outweigh socializing with solitude. Sorry, no offense, we just can’t help it. We NEED the intense me-time in order to be able to deal with you because frankly, dealing with you is annoying. You have needs and wants and demand compromise and you can’t read our minds, which means we have to communicate our own thoughts and feelings. The whole interaction gets overly complicated and we tend, then, to run off and hide, or to mentally check out, or to pick a fight just so we can have things OUR way. Then you get hoity toity and turn your nose at us accusing, “Only child syndrome!”
As God is my witness. No more Only Children shall cross my radar screen. If I can help it.
Posts
32 comments:
What's the name of the syndrome you suffer from? Pissed-Off-'Cause-Mommy-Loves-Brudder/Sisser-More-Than-Me Syndrome?
My boss, my boss's boss and one of the assistant's in my team are all only children.
They are nice people and I certainly do like them, but they are quite difficult to get on with sometimes in a work context. They get so defensive and possessive! Trouble is, the boss doesn't see that he is messing things up... it is like he can't accept that he has made any mistakes - it is ALWAYS someone else's fault.
It is exhausting *sigh*
Sorry, but I am an only child who does not match your narrow ctiteria.
I have been involved in sharing almost all my life. I've been luckier than most and have shared everything from toys to jobs with others. I spent several years as a volunteer in Africa, and founded a community radio station built on diversity and sharing.
We never celebrated my birthdays as a child, and today, I would rather people not know what the date or year is.
I am sure you have encountered jerks who happen to be only children. I think onlys tend to stand out a bit because sometimes they are in the forefront of activities. So your evaluation of "all" onlys on the ones who were jerks and who you discovered were onlys may have stuck in your mind.
Phrases like "worst of the breed" strike me as extremly judgmental in a way that looks to me like jingoism, or "I am better than you are", or puting an entire group of people to a category (although I can't realy say that onlys are a "group" since we have been raised in many different environments and had may types of parents).
Throwing people into a category and casting aspersions on the group has been done throughout history with horrible consequences.
I am wondering why the author of this post seems so fixated on only kids. Seems to be a lot of anger here as if this person is "extremely hyper-sensitive and brittle about even the most remotely critical remark. . ." (sic).
I would have loved to had a brother or sister to share things with. Instead, I became a peacemaker with no support between warring parents. Would have been nice to be able to talk with a brother or sister about this.
Regardful---
The author of the only child syndrome post is aware that not all only children turn out to be bad only child cases. The author of the post had a very very very bad experience with a classic bad only child, this past summer. The only child syndrome posts are directed at that person. The author of the post had no idea there was so much interest in only child syndrome and so much information about the subject.
"Googling 'Only Child Syndrome' I found several blogs written by Only Children, basically admitting they are different and another blog blogging about the Syndrome with several Only Children commenting on the blog and ironically and cluelessly confirming the Syndrome with their comments."------LMAO. I googled the same and could not believe the comments that were being left by only children regarding the fact that in no way did they conform to such a terrible stereotype!!! They would then continue on to contradict themselves and completely clueless that they had done it too! Hilarious! I am engaged to an only child. I deal with the very real syndrome every day of my life. No probably not all only children have it but it exists. It DEFINITELY exists!!!!! "This is mine! I wont share it!" "Look at me!! I want attention!!!" " Waaaaaaaaah you made fun of me just like I just made fun of youuuuu only I cant handle it!!!" hahaha. I wish there were more blogs about this topic. Very interesting.
I have to admit that I also suffer from this syndrome! I am the only-child and I find it quite difficult to express my feelings. This could be because I was over protected as a child and wasn't allowed to express my feelings much. Most people who are only children have the tendency to regress to children when they don't get their way or think they are not being heard.
"Waaaaaahhhhh...Look at ME!" LOL
Even as a 24 year old, I still have problems communicating with others. While most people tend to like me, its hard for me to form a real bond. I agree with the excerpt you had from another blog, I have also cut groups of people out of my life without any remorse or afterthought. it could be defensive mechanism because as an only child, you are forced to take care of yourself.
Also, when I was younger, I got picked on a lot because I had glasses and bushy hair. I had to fight for myself on a daily basis!!! This could be another reason why I don't easily form bonds with people.
What makes it worse is, I have a half sister, but I still consider myself the only child becaue I wasn't raised in the same household as her. I remember when I was 19 and I told my Dad, "I wish it was just me.." before I could even stop myself. His eyes got big like I threatened kill my little sister or something!LOL so yeah, I believe that most children who don't have siblings have problems forming an emotional bond with anyone, but it is something I am working on.
Does it hurt to be that big of a douchenozzle or are you so used to it that it's all you know anymore?
I'm guessing the anonymous commenter who made the rude "douchenozzle" remark is an only child who searched "only child syndrome" after someone told him he had only child syndrome really bad. Very ironically funny.
I am an only child, and yea, I guess were that way...but I also feel like people who are making fun of us are kinda jerks to. Yea I can be a jerk, but I can also be a nice guy, I care about my GF very much, and she calls me out on my biz..its hard though, people with siblings are, I think, better at socializing with others. Its a learnt characteristic though. We just need to grow up a bit.
On the flip side, though, having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean you won't end up exhibiting the following characteristics: "Spoiled, . . . self-centered, selfish, an odd sense of entitlement, difficult to get along with plus a tendency to say inappropriate things that are rude and ill-mannered. Yet being extremely hyper-sensitive and brittle about even the most remotely critical remark going in their direction."
That sounds like me for the most part. However, I'm not an only child; I have a younger sibling (different sex). I think sometimes one is genetically programmed to be this way. Of course, upbringing is a major factor.
Still, I had loving parents who didn't have a lot of money to spoil me. My sister is a cool person too. I think somewhere along the way, I developed a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness to cope with disappointments in life.
My point is, having a sibling does not automatically mean you are exempt from exhibiting only child syndrome characteristics.
Wow... I am an only child who experienced the "life changing" experience of losing one of my parents when I was 7. Pretty humbling experience; probably why people tell me that they can't believe I'm an only child - I've always been polite and grateful for who and what I have. I have to say, though (not to be rude) ... I have experienced quite a few people that come from large families that show "look out for number one" attitudes because they had to fight for attention, grew up being unkind to each other, etc... I guess we all just have to deal with whatever our "birth order" and life situation is. Noone is perfect. Life experience winds up molding a lot of who we are too...
I'd say it's all dead on except for the birthday part
you're an idiot. maybe mommy and daddy loved your siblings more would be my guess
I'm not sure who the latest Anonymous is calling an idiot, one of the other Anonymouses. Or me. If this Anonymous thinks I'm an idiot with siblings, I'm guessing he/she must be an Only Child, exhibiting the Syndrome. The OCSers always act so angry. And often seem to be punctuation and grammar challenged. I suppose that may be caused by having no sibling to talk to? And mommy and daddy pampering them and being scared to correct their bad spelling and erroneous thinking.
I feel like this is ridiculous,
only child syndrome is a term used to describe selfish characteristics that tend to be exhibited in children with no siblings. being an only child has nothing to do with grammar, intelligence or, family dynamics. the truth of the matter is that growing up in a household where there are no other children you learn some vital survival skills, the first of which is that mom and dad don't always have time to play so be creative and play single person games, second; there is no one to share the task of chores with so while "John and Jane" get to split and alternate, you are stuck doing dishes every day, third; the only reason to be angry with anyone is when they are insulting/disrespecting you or invading your space. I agree that it is more difficult for only children to make emotional attachments but I think that with time the difficulty eases and we learn. the moral of the story, We ARE entitled, We DON'T have to share, and if you want us to share maybe you ought to be nice!
The attitude and the facts here are off-base in many cases. For the research that refutes much of what is being said, please see Psychology Today...
http://blogs/psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons
Note: How Stereotypes Form, Plays Well With Others, and others that address the bad rap given to onlies.
Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of Parenting an Only Child www.susannewmanphd.com
Yeah, only children are the bane of society. We should exterminate all of them, because they're all exactly how you described. All of them. At least you aren't stereotyping.
And thank God you were lucky enough to not be an only child and too bad for those poor bastards with parents who had only them because they couldn't afford more children, they couldn't have more children, they simply were smart enough to know they shouldn't have more children for whatever reason, they had other children who died, they died, whatever other scenario. You are SO lucky. The rest of us are just selfish, I guess.
Meow...
Many people have emotional issues regardless of having siblings. And sometimes adults who were raised with several siblings decide not to have any kids because they were so deprived of attention as children. Only children can grow up to be normal, happy adults. It depends on how they are raised and that goes for all children whether they have a sibling or not.
I'm an only child.I started out rotten, but because I've moved around and had an unhealthy amount of teasing up until fifth grade, I thnk I'm a bit better. There is a boy I am friends with that is an only child, too, and he admitted to thinking of me as an "little sister":D. One of my other friends has a sweet little sister that I do her hair when her older brother helps me with homework.Yes, I fit your criteria (wanting to be worshipped and what not), but this is coming from a person with only one friend (I can see regularly) , parents always at,work, and in the middle of a city where the ghetto is right around the corner. D:I guess I do fit your criteria. oh noes!
One thing I can add is that only children tend to be HUGE users of Facebook. I know one only child (a woman in her 40s) whose Facebook page is an avalanche of narcisissm and an endless celebration of her specialness and awesomeness. And of course, Facebook allows her to make a big, big deal about her birthday. I don't display my birthdate on my FB page, and she acts like I'm some kind of sociopath because I don't want my birthday celebrated.
This same only child is also notorious for her weirdly manipulative gift-giving. She loves to give people odd, random gifts and then stands there, waiting eagerly for a flood of gratitude. Talking to her is agonizing because she constantly tries to one-up everything you say. And she takes EVERYTHING personally -- if the earth crashed into the sun, she'd think it had something to do with her.
Another only-child friend has a huge birthday party every year, and gets really angry if anyone skips it. At the last party, when she realized someone wasn't there, she flew into a rage and grabbed the phone, intending to call the party-skipper and chew her out. Everyone was squirming with embarrassment. This, incidentally, is a woman in her 50s.
What amuses me the most is that the most fervent debunkers of only child syndrome are the only children themselves. "I'm an only child, and I turned out GREAT! I'm beautiful, and brilliant, and awesome, and ... hey, where are you going? I haven't finished telling you about me!"
Latest Anonymous---That was a great comment. Why is it that those who have noticed the syndrome are articulate, reasonable and sensible, while the OCS deniers all seem really angry and inarticulate, for the most part.
ok im doing research on overcoming part of my only child syndrome...sure we have issues....some of us more than others.....but everyone else has issues as well.....im trying to make myself a better person and understand why i do some of the things i do.....to be honest, i am taken aback by the amount of bias and criticism some of the people here have to say..... to make a statement saying that people who have noticed the symptoms of being an only child are angry and not articulate is silly, dont you think? ....this world has no absolute truths.....honestly that may be one of the most ridiculous stereotypes ive ever heard....nobody is perfect.....everyone has their issues......not every only child is like that....
I recently got out of a relationship with what seems to be a stereotypical only child as far as your article describes them. There were a lot of things about her that never made any sense to me, that I just could never figure out, but after reading this it all made sense. Great post, thanks.
To the anonymous post,"One thing I can add is that only children tend to be HUGE users of Facebook. I know one only child (a woman in her 40s) whose Facebook page is an avalanche of narcisissm and an endless celebration of her specialness and awesomeness.
Another only-child friend has a huge birthday party every year, and gets really angry if anyone skips it.
What amuses me the most is that the most fervent debunkers of only child syndrome are the only children themselves. "I'm an only child, and I turned out GREAT! I'm beautiful, and brilliant, and awesome, and ... hey, where are you going? I haven't finished telling you about me!" - I'd like first, to point out that you used the word 'friend.' I do not see how someone (as insulting as you have been) can call such a person 'friend.' If this only child offends you so, why give them such a personal title? Also, to be a friend on Facebook, you must accept or request a person. If these people bother you that much, why associate with them more than you have to? I fail to see a benefit to making yourself miserable by 'befriending' what you may refer to as "those people."
Honestly, I can say that the way some people are bashing against others is insulting to your own intelligences. You complain about only children's attitudes of "better than thou" behavior, and yet you think that they are lesser to you because of whatever circumstances they were born to. I am a believer in "nurture" vs. "nature." If an only child receives love, then they will be equally susceptible to the attitudes that children in families with multiple children possess. Love never runs out, so I therefore take the stance that it an attitude has nothing to do with how many children have siblings and those who do not. If an only child is born into a poor family, would your logic still suggest that they would act mightier than a family with multiple children that live in a mansion?
I have encountered only children that behave as well adjusted members of society. I have also had the misfortune of having met only children who do think they are "holier than thou art." In either case, though, I have experienced the same attidudes in children with many siblings.
My friends that is the youngest of six children is one of the kindest people you will ever meet, until you lose his respect and treats you as such. I have a friend that's an only child that is the sweetest person known to all mankind. I've never once seen herself put her needs before others and expect something from them in return.
I took classes in psychology and I firmly believe that there is no evidence that can irrefutably prove that being an only child automatically makes you a person born to have an ulterior motive for every move they make. If there is, I'm sure the source of material in question would also state that coming from a family with multiple children immediately makes you a charitable (I'm using it in the biblical sense of pure love) person.
For the record, I am a middle child of five and one of my sisters is a volunteer worker at an animal shelter and one of my brothers is in jail for a DUI. We all came from the same parents.
I appreciate the time you took to read this post, so thank you.
-Charlie
Have you ever thought that Only Children might be different because they were over protected by their parents? My parents could only have one child so I was placed in a bubble and treated with kid gloves. Do I enjoy being alone? Yes. Am I set in my ways? Yes. Do I have a high self-esteem because of the way my parents treated me? Yes. I'm still not sure what's wrong with any of these things. I do know how to interact with others and behave in social settings. Aghast, I can even SHARE. My husband is a twin and he felt neglected as a child (and adult) because his parents "favored" his twin over him. I never experienced that favoritism and now he prefers to be with my parents who "SURPRISE" treat him as specially as they treated me my whole "terrible" only child life. Maybe it's not the Only Child who is to blame, maybe it's the parents of only children who have so much love to give to that one child.
Oh, my! I just finished writing in my blog about someone I know who suffers from only child syndrome! My husband and I have known people over the years with it and have found them, in general, to be very self-centered and difficult to get along with! I didn't realize others thought so, too!
what about being the only child of a single parent...the single parent being a chronically ill drug addict? only children have to play every role and have no siblings to share the burden of bad parents. only children who grow up in poverty are not spoiled. what would they be spoiled with? you are so sheltered and judgmental, how can you make blanket statements that pigeonhole people into archaic stereotypes which you, based on your writing, seem to fall into?
I am an only child, and i completely agree with the article. It is very difficult and confusing for us to even have decent romantic relationships with people.
This is stupid, people are always trying to find a reason why their screwed up. What about all the jerks and A holes with tons of siblings? what they have first second or middle child syndrome right. FOH. As an ADULT, you are who you choose to be....
sincerely
an only child.
What a load of rubbish!!!! I am the youngest of 3 children
And I am spoilt rotten, I get really angry if I am not the
Centre of attention and I always get rid of friends with no
Remorse the minute they offend me, my sister is one of those who I have cut out with no remorse or regret. I hated
Sharing growing up and even now I won't share anything
And I wish I was an only child so that I wouldn't have to
Share any inheritances. So do you want to research
That then? I am the youngest of 3 so it may suggest it is
More the parenting as my parents adored me but paid hardly any attention to my sister and brother. So I conclude it's the parents not the siblings that mould
Any child. I am not complaining coz I am mummy
And daddys golden girl and I couldn't care less that my
Brother and sister feel neglected. I am the star of the show!!!!!!!!
I've read the OCS blogs with alot of interest. Unfortunately, I have an only child, age 28 and when I read this she jumped off the page. You have nailed her perfectly. There is not one single description that does not fit my only child. Unfortunately, she has cut me and all of her aunts out of her life. very sad, but this was extremely interesting
Post a Comment