America's Biggest Boondoggle's Water Activity Key To Turn Around Not Drown

I saw that which you see here last night on Facebook via Fort Worth connoisseur and cultural icon, Bud Kennedy.

My initial reaction upon seeing this was that it was someone's idea of a prank, making fun of America's Biggest Boondoggle's bizarre floating beer party music events in the polluted Trinity River.

By morning I saw no further mention of this latest Fort Worth Sick City embarrassment. Facebook this morning was dominated by the horrific terrorist attack in Dallas.

So, if what Bud Kennedy posted is to be believed the Trinity River water is now being regularly tested, one would assume daily, or more than once daily, with those tests quickly processed and the results posted on a Panther Island Pavilion Water Activity Flag Key, where there is no island or pavilion.

This morning's Fort Worth Star-Telegram made no mention of this new Water Key thing, but the front page did make note of the fact that Trinity water quality has once again canceled tubing in the polluted river.

According to the Water Key there are three levels of water activity, Green, Yellow and Red.

Methinks more appropriate coloring would have been Blue, Yellow and Brown.

According to the Water Activity Key when the Trinity is at Level Green the permitted activities are "Wading by children and adults, swimming, water skiing by permit, diving, tubing, surfing, kayaking, canoeing, stand-up paddle boarding, catch and release fishing, and handfishing as defined by Texas Parks & Wildlife Code. #66.115."

Water skiing? Diving? Surfing? Handfishing? How utterly bizarre.

According to the Water Activity Key when the Trinity is at Level Yellow the permitted activities are "Wading by adults, kayaking, canoeing, stand-up paddle boarding, & catch and release fishing."

Okay, we hit Yellow and kids can no longer wade. Along with No Tubing. No Diving, No Surfing. No swimming. And, of course, No Handfishing. Again, how utterly bizarre.

And then when the Water Activity Key goes to Level Red the permitted activities are "NONE. Due to water velocity creating turbid conditions and floating debris, the river and riverbanks are closed for public safety. TURN AROUND. DON'T DROWN. OR TURN BROWN."

Oh, I see, The water testing discovers the water is moving too fast, and thus too turbid, along with too much stuff floating in the river. Apparently the testing does not test for things like too much e.coli or other pathogens.

Again, how utterly bizarre.