Scarlett Dumped Me For Ryan Reynolds

I'm shocked. After our long secret romance, Scarlett Johannson is suddenly marrying someone named Ryan Reynolds. How did this happen? Who is Ryan Reynolds? I don't even feel like I know Scarlett anymore. I don't feel like I ever really did.

Not having a clue as to who this was who stole Scarlett away from me I had to look it up. He's a Canadian. From Vancouver. How can she marry a Canadian? They say "eh" after almost every sentence, like they question every thing that comes out of their mouths. It is very very annoying after you hear dozens of "eh's".

That's Ryan Reynolds on the right. Eh? With the beard. Eh? Scarlett looks like she's lost weight. Eh?

Canadians also don't know how to properly pronounce other words. Like they can not say "about." It comes out as "aboot." Eh?

And Canadians leave off the word "the" when they speak of going to a hospital. They don't say, "They took him to the hospital." Canadians say, "They took him to hospital." Eh?

I worked for a short time for an ex-priest in Tacoma who married an ex-nun and who runs a rundown trinket store in Tacoma. He would say, "I will have to talk that over with staff." Not, "I will talk that over with the staff." Or, "my staff." That'd work too. I don't know why I find this annoying. Maybe, in the ex-priest's case, it's because his staff consisted of his ne-er-do-well son, the son's high school dropout wife, a dissipated elderly alcoholic, a blonde floozy and a yes girl who acted like Honey in the Doonesbury strip. It just seemed sort of pretentious to refer to that group as staff.

One time the ex-priest told me he considered me part of staff. Even though I'm in Texas. I was offput. I did not want to be part of staff. I no longer am part of staff. It was probably my bad attitude that got me removed from staff. Eh?

I also worked for the ex-priest's hugely obese sister. She sold chocolate and ate considerable volumes of the stuff. While being perpetually on the Atkin's Diet. She had all sorts of digestive and hygiene issues. Due to her size she fell down every once in awhile. I only saw one fall. It was like watching a large tree slowly crash to the ground. She never got hurt from the falls due to all that heft acting like a giant pillow. Or at least that's what I assumed. When I saw her fall I tried to help her get back up, but I can only lift 300 pounds tops.

Eventually I had enough and had to fire the ex-priest's hugely obese sister. She'd lied to and cheated one of my best friends one time too many. She was caught shorting her workers on pay. And then she made the mistake of shorting me. I never did learn the exact size of the fine that she had to pay to Labor & Industries. Except that I heard through the grapevine that it was substantial. The IRS caught up to her too. For not filing for 10 years.

I wonder who turned her in?