Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Before yesterday I had not watched a movie in a theater this century. That would still be true had I not come into possession of a free movie pass that included a bucket of popcorn with a large Pepsi.

And so, in the same way I suffered Six Flags over Texas, twice, due to free passes, I suffered the new Indiana Jones movie.

Suffer, I say, because it was like being stuck on a multi-hour roller coaster ride. I gave up roller coasters for life back in 2000.

I enjoyed, for the most part, the previous Indiana Jones movies, particularly the first one, Raiders of the Lost Ark. I did not care for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for much the same reason Indian Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull wore out its welcome, that being both being way too frenetic. And ridiculous.

The new Indiana Jones movie is set in 1957, so for villains we get Soviet KGB baddies instead of evil Nazis, with the KGB baddies led by Irina Spalko, aka Cate Blanchett. The movie starts in Nevada where Mr. Jones miraculously survives a nuclear bomb blast. This after he'd discovered a crate holding the remains of an ET.

With the arrival of ET, early on in the movie, I had concerns with where the movie was heading. Where it was heading turned out to be Peru, after a guy named Mutt Williams, aka Shia LaBeouf, a shortie with a Brandoesque puffed up pompadour, tells Indy that an old colleague, Harold Oxley, aka John Hurt, has gone missing whilst looking for a crystal skull in Peru where he is not missing, but is locked up, nutsy kookoo, in a Peru insane asylum.

The powers of the skull were explained, but it was far too convoluted for me to remember. Suffice to say it had something to do with some long ago Conquistador and it has some supposed mystical powers that the Soviets want to acquire, much like the Nazis' desire for that Lost Ark.

Indy gets help from his girlfriend from the Raiders of the Lost Ark, Marion Ravenwood, aka Karen Allen. She's aged fairly well over the last 20 so years. During one of the many laborious, yet well done vehicle chases, Marion reveals to Indy that Mutt is his son. Didn't see that one coming.

Eventually Mr. Jones and his crew end up in a Mayan temple with 13 crystal skeletons. one missing its head. There's triple cross by a character I should have mentioned earlier, an old Indiana crony named Mac, who is a double agent pretending to work for the Soviets and then when they are in the Mayan temple Mac reveals he really is working for the Soviets, making him a triple agent.

Then the KGB baddie, Spalko, puts the crystal skull on the skeleton with the missing head. The skeleton then begins to talk. In an ancient Mayan dialect which Indy is able to translate. Something about a great gift. Spalko demands to know more, so the skeleton starts shooting info into her eyes. Which causes her to shake.

A portal to another dimension opens over the room. Oxley regains his sanity and matter of factly explains that the aliens travel between dimensions and taught the Mayans their advanced technology (the Mayans had advanced technology? What? TVs and airplanes?). Indy, Marion and their son, Mutt, narrowly escape the temple as the Soviet triple agent, Mac, gets sucked to another world.

The skeletons then morph into a single alien being that overflows the KGB baddie, Spalko, with too much knowledge, killing her. (I've always believed knowing too much was deadly)

And then as the temple falls apart, a flying saucer rises above the rubble and takes off into space. (I'm not making this up)

Indiana Jones is then made Associate Dean of the Archaeology Department. And marries Marion. ET did not attend the wedding.