19 Steps Towards Making Fort Worth Cool & Hopefully More Satisfied

Just a few days ago we learned, via Men's Health magazine, that several Texas cities ranked high as Most Sexually Satisfied Cities, with Austin scoring #1 in one prized category, that being condom sales.

In the overall rankings Indianapolis was #1, with two Ohio towns, Columbus and Cincinnati # 2 and #4, respectively. San Antonio came in #6 in the overall Most Satisfied rankings.

Meanwhile, up in the more frigid Pacific Northwest, Seattle, Spokane and Portland did not do so well. However, Boise came in #9.

That is not the usual look at the stunning skyline of beautiful downtown Seattle in the picture. The view is looking west at downtown from the east side of Lake Washington, with the Olympic Mountains in the background. The cliche view, of Seattle, is the Space Needle in the foreground, then the downtown skyscrapers, with Mount Rainier hovering in the background. That cliche view is why first time Seattle visitors are often surprised to discover the town is virtually surrounded by mountains, if they are so blessed as to be visiting on one of those rare uncloudy days (you are welcome Lesser Seattle people).

Today, from Forbes Magazine, in yet one more ranking list of dubious authority, Seattle is ranked the #3 Coolest City in America. With only Las Vegas and, the coolest, New York City, being Cooler.

For the Sexiest City rankings Men's Health based its ranking on the aforementioned condom sales, birth rates and sales of sex toys from retailers Babeland and Pure Romance.

Sounds very scientific.

Forbes based its Coolest List on a Harris market research company poll in which Harris asked adults from across the U.S. which of the 40 largest metropolitan areas in America are "The Coolest."

The Top Ten Coolest, according to Harris and America are....

1. New York City
2. Las Vegas
3. Seattle
4. Chicago
5. San Francisco
6. Orlando
7. San Diego
8. Los Angeles
9. Miami
10. Washington, D.C.

I have opined previously that Seattle is like one big theme park, so it being cooler than Orlando is no huge shock to me. But, cooler than Los Angeles? I really like Los Angeles. Although, Seattle is a bit more easily accessed and has more going on in close proximity.

I am guessing the people of Seattle are too busy having fun, in their cool town, to have as much fun with the type adult entertainment that has Indianapolis, Columbus, Cincinnati, Salt Lake City, San Antonio and Boise top-ranked in the Men's Health Sex in the City rankings.

I am shocked, shocked I tell you, that Fort Worth is not in the Top 10 of Coolest Cities. I am sure if Fort Worth had made this list a city-wide celebration would already be in the works.

I am also sure, once the Trinity River Vision clears up, that the rest of America will start to perceive Fort Worth as cool.

I have some suggestions on how to make Fort Worth cooler, prior to the TRV being ready to float boats and inner tubes.

1. Remove all outhouses from all public parks. Replace the outhouses with modern restroom facilities with running water.
2. Expand library hours and keep libraries open 7 days a week.
3. Build a safe, clean town swimming lake and provide provide transportation to the town lake for the town's kids.
4. Build sidewalks along all the roads people walk beside.
   
5. Quit calling the area of town where there are museums the "Cultural District." That just ain't cool.
6. Landscape all exits from freeways.
7. Quit calling the collection of downtown parking lots "Sundance Square."
8. Actually build a downtown square and then name it "Sundance Square."
9. Clean up all boarded up eyesores in the Fort Worth Stockyards National Historic District.
10. Either totally fix the bumpy bricks on Camp Bowie Boulevard, or pave the boulevard over with regular concrete. Trust me. There ain't nothing cool or remotely unique about that tiresome brick road.
11. Fix the eyesore sections of Lancaster, Rosedale, Berry, North Main and any other road in Fort Worth that would be right at home in a 3rd, 4th or 5th world country.
12. Do actual needed flood control work to mitigate the dangers from flash floods.
13. Fix the current corruption that runs the City of Fort Worth and the Fort Worth School District.
14. Restore Heritage Park to its rightful glory.
15. Remove any barbed/concertina wire fencing in the downtown area.
16. Build a streetcar system circulating people from downtown to the Stockyards to the newly re-named 7th Street Entertainment District, formerly known as "The Cultural District."
17. Build the best Homeless Shelter System in America and show the rest of the country how to get people back on their feet.
18. Fully fund and implement the Master Plan for Tandy Hills Natural Area.
19. Remove the entry fees for the Fort Worth Nature Preserve. No cool city charges a fee to its citizens to enter a public park that property taxes, and other taxes, have already paid for.

There you go, 19 steps to having Fort Worth being "Cool" in no time. I have no idea what to do to fix Fort Worth's sorry rankings on the Men's Health list.