Thursday, May 7, 2020

Dialing Dear Doctor Durango

Last week upon finishing a non-fiction book I was curious about the current status of the subject.

Googling I soon found myself at a website called The Wayback Machine, which archives websites all the way back to the early days of there being a thing called websites.

I was curious if any of my original websites were archived. I looked for As the WWW Turns, to no avail. That actually was not my website, but I was closely associated with it. That one was picked as Cool Site of the Day, back when that really meant something.

The first website which was totally my own, sort of, well, the title and idea was not mine, but creating and doing the HTML was all me. That one was called Dialing Doctor Durango. Dialing Doctor Durango lasted for a couple years.  One day it was picked as Funky Site of the Day. Being Funky Site of the Day was not as cool as being Cool Site of the Day, back in the day when such things were even remotely funky or cool.

Dialing Doctor Durango was supposed to be a sort of parody thing where my Doctor Durango character was this know-it-all who would answer anyone's question about anything.

But, way too many people, all over the world, thought Doctor Durango was a real doctor. It was how I met Miss Wee of Singapore, when she wrote Doctor Durango a lovelorn question. A university in Munich, Germany picked Dialing Doctor Durango as one of the Top Ten medical websites on the Internet, which was clearly ridiculous.

It was a question from the UK, a serious question suited for a real doctor of the OB-GYN sort, which had me confessing to being a quack, and then pulling the plug on Dialing Doctor Durango

After killing Doctor Durango I morphed my website into The Durango Files. The Durango Files lasted til I moved to Texas.

And, The Wayback Machine does have The Durango Files archived, for the most part. Images are gone, but the text is still there, for the most part, including a webpage which made the transition from Dialing Doctor Durango to The Durango Files. That is a screen cap of part of The Durango Files home page you see at the top.

One of the links on that The Durango Files home page goes to Dialing Dear Doctor Durango,  which is a webpage which made the transition from Dialing Doctor Durango to The Durango Files.

You can read the text from that one webpage below. It's been over a quarter century, so I have little memory of writing any of this, other than recognizing it is me doing the word spewing...


Dear Doctor Durango,
Are you a medical doctor, a psychiatrist or just a college professor?

Signed, Credential Checker

Dear CC,
There really is no adequate label for the sort of doctoring which Doctor Durango is licensed to practice. Suffice to say Doctor Durango has never been sued for malpractice, has never had his license revoked and has never ever lost a patient.

Dear Doctor Durango,
I read you are close friends with Bill Gates and that you advise him all the time. So what is Bill really like? And can you give me his phone number?

Signed, A Microsoft Employee

Dear MS Employee,
I have known Bill for years. I am not comfortable violating the privacy of our relationship. I will tell you that it was I, not his lovely bride, who remade his unkempt image and turned him into the well-groomed figure we see today. Bill can be fairly mono-minded, but when he decides to have fun he really lets go. I could tell you stories, but I won't. I will say, I do not treat Bill in my professional capacity, so no doctor/patient confidences have been violated by my sharing these gossipy tidbits with my readers.

Dear Doctor Durango,
I cannot understand why there are now advertisements on some world wide web pages. Why should I suffer through waiting for some ad icon to download? These advertisements are just a waste of bandwidth, and for who's benefit?Signed,

Signed Steaming Mad

Dear Steaming,
I agree. These unwanted advertisements are an outrage!

Dear Doctor Durango,
I have tried to find the fun in this World Wide Web stuff, but hard as I try, I still prefer clicking on the TV, or reading a magazine or just reading the newspaper, and I really enjoy just talking to people face to face and not through this cyberspace stuff.

Signed, The Internet Sucks

Dear Sucks,
I know whereof you speak. You click on an interesting sounding link, you wait til the link gets contacted, then you wait for a reply, then if you are lucky the host will send you some data, bit by bit by bit. And finally you see something, but its boring, so you click again and start the same process over again. Picking up a magazine seems far more efficient. Can you imagine reading a magazine, wanting to turn the page and having to click a button, contacting the magazine host, waiting for a reply, and then, finally, the page turns?

Dear Doctor Durango,
Don't you think you should try a little harder to 'get a life' rather than spending energy on this lame stuff?

Signed Get a Life

Dear Get Life,
In my capacity as a trained observer of the human condition I do not believe I can think of a cliche' more indicative of a socially maladjusted mindset than that favorite of the do-nothing class, i.e. 'Get a Life'. It has been my long time observation that individuals using this terribly judgmental cliche' are usually very unhappy with their station in life and are very jealous of the lives of others. In a classic case of projection, these sorts of sad individuals transfer their own feelings of total inadequacy onto those who's lifestyles cause their feelings of inadequacy. You can test this theory yourself with the Doctor Durango Butt Test. It has been my longterm observation that there is a correlation between people who judge other people's lives and the size of the judger's butt.

Dear Doctor Durango,
My best friend's twin brother's first wife, Wanda, is mad at me because Wanda thinks I told my friend, Lulu, that Wanda was consuming too many liquid refreshments prior to sending e-mail, and that consequently Wanda's e-mailings tended to be the long-winded ramblings of a classic dipsomaniac. I'm sorry, but it is true, Wanda sends bizarre e-mail. One day she'll go on about her lunch with Sylvester Stallone, the next day she'll tell me she got her head stuck in a hornet's nest, the next day it'll be about some emergency surgery removing some diseased body part. And if I reply to her e-mail, by the next day she always acts as if she doesn't know what I am talking about. But I did not tell any of this to Lulu. Just this morning Wanda called me a 'butt boil on the backside of humanity'. What should I do? Why does Wanda think I gossip about her? Is Wanda wrong to be mad at me?

Signed, Wanda's Husband's Brother's Best Friend

Dear Wanda's Friend,
Has no one told you that sending e-mail is not a secure, private way to communicate? Just in this letter to Doctor Durango you have been explicitly detailed about poor Wanda. You have broadcast the secrets of Wanda's world to potentially 50 million people and you wonder why Wanda is mad at you? Apologize at once to Wanda. And in the future do not express your slanderous opinions about your friends via e-mail. You sound like a fool.

Dear Doctor Durango,
I have an annoying friend who breathes loud, through his mouth, like an elderly cocker spaniel. I can barely tolerate being in the same room with this ill-mannered slob. I bought this drooler a case of nose drops, but he refuses to use them. I'm not the only person who notices this irritating habit, in fact, his entire family is well-known for their mouth breathing.

Signed, I Enjoy Quiet

Dear Quiet,
You have really struck a chord with Doctor Durango. At this moment in time I can not think of a single thing I find more offputting than mouth breathers. They can not be reasoned with. They have no empathy for the suffering they cause. They won't take their medications. It is best to simply avoid such people and pray that as humanity evolves the mouth breathers will be weeded out of the gene pool.

Dear Dr. Durango,
My first husband's twin brother's best friend has been sending me the antagonistic e-mail of a classic delusional schizophrenic. After months of e-mailing back and forth, suddenly he claims that I sound like a raving dipsomaniac. Apparently, I have been having way too much fun with my e-mail. He thinks I am mad about the way he told my friend Lulu, before he told me, that he thinks me a dipsomaniac. He has never been very tactful, but what really offputs me is that he will not stop telling me just how incoherent he has found my correspondence to be. What should I make of this? Am I wrong to be offput? Why didn't he tell me he felt this way before? What could be the basis of this sadistic lashing out? Should I just refrain from e-mailing him? Why do I keep coming back for more of this abuse? Am I being an enabler?

Signed, The Friend of Wanda's Husband's Brother's Best Friend

I don't think you should make too much of the classic delusional schizophrenic ramblings of an antagonistic demented e-mailer, but at the same time, you must protect yourself from this e-mail abuse You have not given me sufficient information to determine whether, or not, you are an enabler. But I do think if you have been having fun with your e-mail, you should continue to do so, despite the antics of this demented joy-sucker who seems to be tormenting you so.

Dear Doctor Durango,
Could you be so kind as to give me Bill Gate's e-mail address so I can ask to borrow a couple million dollars and to ask a Windows95 question?

Signed, I Need $$$$$

Dear Broke,
Bill gets annoyed at me everytime I give out his e-mail address because he is such a soft touch and he just can not say no to anyone asking him for money. So just click on the blinking dollar signs $$$ and you will be able ask Bill anything you want. And Doctor Durango guarantees you will get an answer.

Dear Doctor Durango,
Last Fall I went on a private cruise with a group of my dearest friends. While we were cruising through some of the most beautiful scenery in the world, one of our party, a flabby Mid-Baby Boomer, took to wearing these disgusting thong bikinis. I wouldn't have minded if his wife had worn these fashion disasters, but seeing this guy in such eyesores, well, it just conflicted with the wonder works of Mother Nature, forcing us to view one of her accidents of Nature in all his flabby glory. He made us look like a boat full of tacky Canadians.

Signed, Men Should Not Wear Bikinis

Dear Bikini Man,
Doctor Durango does not quite understand your Canadian reference, though several years ago I was hiking into Grand Canyon, resting at the first oasis, and up walked a pair of sweaty Frenchmen wearing nothing but bikinis and black leather shoes with white socks. We were all eating lunch and the unseemly spectacle sort of ruined our appetites. So I can understand how bikini eyesores cause visual conflict when viewing Mother Nature's best work. Surely if you make your feelings known, if this person is truly your friend, he will respect your perfectly reasonable wishes and will refrain from wearing bikinis. I just hope such a trivial matter is not stopping you from being able to plan another adventure with this person.

Dear Doctor Durango,
My husband spends hours on the Internet looking for the sexy stuff he's read about in the paper. But he can't seem to find anything. Can you help

Signed, I Wish He'd Look For It At Home

Dear Wish He'd Look,
You should help him hunt. Net surfing can be fun and very stimulating. I am willing to give you the link to Playboy, since that site is fairly wholesome for one that's is supposedly for adults.But instead of wasting your time looking for the 'sexy stuff' on the Internet, you should be warned that despite the myths to the contrary, the sexy stuff is not that sexy. You would have to be pretty darn lonely to spend much time watching pix show up on your computer screen. Or a teenage boy. But teenagers should not have unsupervised access to the Internet, just as teenagers should not go to see every movie that comes along. Parents, do your job. As for you, Doctor Durango agrees with your signature, tell your husband to look for the 'sexy stuff' at home.

Dear Doctor Durango,
I was a sophomore in college and I never thought it could happen to me. I couldn't believe my eyes when the auburn haired beauty walked up to me and unzipped......... whoops. Wrong forum!! Anyway, I've got this boss who is just driving me insane. I don't own any firearms and I don't like explosives or sharp objects. I'm thinking a Voodoo curse would do the trick. Do you do Voodoo? If you do do Voodoo do you mind giving me a curse?

Signed, Bogwana in Benjaka

Dear Bogwana,
I kinda liked where the first paragraph was going and then you had to go and ruin it with that Voodoo curse stuff. I am a full-service Doctor, so if you would like to explore your difficulty with that auburn-haired beauty, well, I'm listening. I am very intrigued to know what exactly was unzipped and what happened next. I have absolutely no imagination. But, if we must deal with your Boss problem; you are a grown man, at least I assume you are, if you have a job. If your job is causing you so much anguish you are engaging in homicidal conjecture, even if only in jest, and if you are actually considering employing cultist rituals to do your Boss harm, well, Doctor Durango thinks you should quit your job immediately. Let me know when you take my advice.

Dear Doctor Durango,
I am not a computer novice. I have worked with computers for years. But, often when I have need of a computer expert's advice, like when I call for technical support, or recently when I received a call from my Internet Server, these people seem so rude. I could not get the Internet guy off the subject of mispronouncing my name. When he was giving me my directory name he said a word that sounded like 'matilda', then he had a virtual emotional crises when I asked him what a 'matilda' was. As if the entire population of the planet, but me, knew a *'matilda' was the squiggly ~ symbol on the keyboard.

Signed, I Hate TechnoNerds

Dear Hate Nerds,
Well, you have managed to ring one of Doctor Durango's bells!! My theory of the phenomena you describe is as follows: The vast majority of those whom you so eloquently call 'technonerds' are socially maladjusted. These sorts have trouble with what you and I would consider normal social intercourse. They feel socially-enabled by what they imagine to be their areas of expertise. Technonerds condescend because that is how they feel the world treats them. And, ironically, it is how the world treats them, because they are so socially inept. So don't take offense. Be kind. But for the grace of God you could be a technonerd!!*Doctor Durango has been informed the proper term for 'matilda' is 'tilda'. Like anyone cares.

Dear Doctor Durango,
I do not like how some of these newer web pages have all this blinking going on. It is very annoying. Is there a way to make it stop? What is the point of all the blinking?

Signed, Blinking Fed Up

Dear Fed Up Blinking,
Doctor Durango has noticed the blinking. I don't find it particularly annoying. It seems to be a new toy and people are playing with it. I imagine the point of the blinking is to draw attention to whatever is blinking. The following letter may provide relief.

Dear Doctor Durango,
I consider myself to be one of those 'technonerds' you have maligned. In connection to your letter regarding 'matildas' and 'tildas', I was wondering........are you sure? I mean is it really 'tilda', or is it 'tilde'? I was just wondering because it seems as if you have some responsibility to make these kind of corrections before you put them on a page on which you claim to know what you are talking about. When it's my first time here and all I can see are those blinking things and incorrect definitions (spellings?) of simple computer terms, well, Doctor Durango let me just say it doesn't go a long way toward building client confidence. I think you are a quack.

Signed, Lulu

Dear Lulu,
You certainly have exhibited your Technonerdness to Doctor Durango!! My Nurses had to severely edit your letter into a printable form. Regarding your classic Technonerd focus on that 'tilda' word, Doctor Durango used the plural of 'tilde' which is 'tilda'. Latin was not a requirement in your Computer Science endeavors, was it Lulu? And Lulu, if the blinking bothers you as much as your numerous letters to the Doctor on this subject would seem to indicate, and if you are as accomplished a 'technonerd' as you portray yourself to be, well, then, Doctor Durango does not understand why you do not know how to turn off the BLINKING. It is so easy to do, I will not insult my patients by explaining the process!

No comments: