Eat All The Lard You Want, Stay Thin With Sanitized Tapeworms

In one of the lesser insulting remarks, in a month filled with them, when I was in Tacoma, last year, in what is now known as Hell Summer, one of my relatives suggested the reason I was so skinny, and yet able to eat like a pig, was because I likely had a tapeworm.

I am not kidding. This was the type elevated discourse I was subjected to. No, it couldn't be that I was skinny due to getting sufficient exercise and eating properly. No. I had a tapeworm.

So, this morning Alma, the Songbird of the Texas Gulf Coast, sent me a lot of good stuff. Including old ads. Two of the ads had to do with food. One was a diet method, the other suggested a food that would make you happy.

The diet ad claimed you could Eat! Eat! Eat! and always stay thin. No diet, No baths, no exercise, claiming, Fat, the ENEMY that is shortening your life, BANISHED! How? With Sanitized Tape Worms. Jar packed. Easy to Swallow! No ill effects!

Now, if you get the Sanitized Tape Worms, you could then eat all you want of the other thing advertised, that being LARD. No dieting, no exercise, eat all the lard you want, without the worry of becoming a lard ass.

I can think of a person. Or two. Who I would not mind slipping a Tape Worm. Or two. That person, or two, already eats plenty of lard and, unfortunately already is a lard ass. But the Tape Worm can reverse that condition.

Fat Matt Damon: Good Will Plumping

A couple days ago, when I mentioned that Matt Damon was doing his part in contributing to the National Strategic Fat Preserve, one of my acquaintances commented that I was being mean about fat people. That if I was fat I'd be more sensitive about the subject because I'd know how hard it is to lose weight.

I feel this person totally missed the point of what I was saying, that being that Americans have stored up this huge food bank on their bodies that gives us an advantage over all the other nations, except for Australia, which is even fatter than America.

With food prices skyrocketing all over the globe, Americans can now draw down on our collective fat bank, saving money, and driving down food prices as demand for food drops.

Now, my acquaintance, who thought I was being mean, has worked very hard to store food. I believe she is now about 300 pounds overweight. It takes about 2,500 calories above ones daily maintenance need, to gain 1 pound. 2,500 calories is about 4 McDonald's Big Macs. That means my acquaintance is contributing, what amounts to 1,200 Big Macs, as her part of the National Strategic Fat Preserve. That's impressive.

Now, regarding my acquaintance saying I'd be more sensitive regarding fat people if I'd ever been one and had to ever lose weight.

Well. In February of 2004 I had to fly up to Seattle and was locked in a room with all the chocolate I could eat for 10 days. When I was out of the chocolate room I was taken to buffets, burger joints and all you can eat cod at Anthony's Homeport. On the way back to Texas I spent 10 hours in Phoenix where I was forced to eat at an Applebee's Happy Hour and then drug to an In and Out for 2 of the best hamburgers I've ever had.

By the time I got on the plane I was a bloated mess. I didn't make it back here til 4 in the morning. When I woke up that day and saw my bloated self in the mirror I was appalled. When I got on the scale I was even more appalled. That scale said I weighed 217 pounds. 12 more pounds than when I'd left 11 days before.

It is now June 28, 2008, 4 years after I weighed 217. Today I weigh 172. That is a 45 pound weight loss. So, don't go telling me I don't know how hard it is to lose weight. It's real easy. You just eat less, eat good stuff and exercise. It took me about 2 months, after my 217 high, to get under 200. After that it's just slowly melted off.

I do feel a bit guilty about this, because I am contributing absolutely nothing to the National Strategic Fat Preserve. And I don't intend to.