Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Spencer Jack Is Worried About His Grandma Cindy

This morning when I woke up my computer I saw an incoming email from Spencer Jack.

Subject line: Grandma Cindy's Potential Poultry Problem 

The email including the photo you see here, of Spencer Jack's Grandma Cindy.

In addition to the photo Spencer Jack wrote a plea for help----

Howdy Great FUD,

My dad has told me that somehow you were acquainted with my Grandma Cindy. I'm worried about her right now.

Can you help?

The only reason I seek your assistance tonight is because my dad says you were a doctor at some point in your life. A MD that one could dial up and ask medical questions to, he says.

I'm struggling to understand  what "dial up" means despite my dads repeated attempts to define such.  He keeps trying to act out a noise that sounded like nothing I have ever heard.

Anyway.... My dad said that people could once dial up my Great FUD and get medical advice years ago when he claims you lived near us.

Me and my dad had dinner at Grandma Cindy's house last night. Pretty good dinner...she fixed me panfried chicken and deviled eggs.  Plus she made me a special milkshake for dessert.

Does my great ex-MD FUD think grandma Cindy had an allergic reaction to the poultry?

I refused to share my milkshake with her, so I'm pretty sure it is not a dairy issue.

Please help.

She is soon retiring, and thus on a fixed income and just a few years shy of Medicaid eligibility.

Looking forward to hearing your diagnosis.

Your FGN Spencer Jack


Below is my reply to Spencer Jack's query.....

Howdy FGN Spencer Jack,

You are such a good grandson, worrying about your Grandma. I will try and answer your questions.

First off, yes, I am acquainted with your Grandma Cindy. Long before you were born your Grandma was married to my brother, your Grandpa Jake, you know, the Grandpa you go to visit in Arizona.

Yes, what your dad told you is true about me being a doctor at one point in time. I was the type doctor  known as a quack. I had a website  that was very popular with sick people called Dialing Doctor Durango. And people did connect to that website via an antique method of connecting to the Internet, using what was known as a telephone line.

And yes again, what your dad told you about me living near where you now live, is true. Back when I was Doctor Durango I lived in Mount Vernon.

I don't know if I can diagnose if your Grandma Cindy had an allergic reaction to poultry, long distance, with only a  photograph to base my diagnosis on. I have not seen your Grandma Cindy in over 7 years, at Bay View State Park, the same day I met you for the first time. Looking at the photo it does appear your Grandma Cindy may have put on a little weight and grown a couple warts on her nose. Did those warts pop out while you were all eating that fried chicken? Is that what you think might be an allergic reaction to poultry?

While I do not have enough diagnostic information what I can do is express ship you a gallon of Doctor Durango Restorative Tonic. You will need to give your Grandma Cindy 4 ounces of the Tonic every day at noon until the jug is empty. Within a week your Grandma Cindy should be well on the way to being restored to how I remember her looking 7 years ago, just like she looks in the below photo.....

Now, Spencer Jack, don't you be sampling any of your Grandma Cindy's Doctor Durango Restorative Tonic. You have to be 21 before you can sample the Tonic.

Yours Truly, Great FUD

No comments: