Wednesday, December 24, 2008

World's Biggest Butt At Wal-Mart Supercenter

I just finished blogging about Snowzilla up in Alaska. The giant Snowman put me in mind of something I saw yesterday, that being Christmas Eve Eve, at my local neighborhood Wal-Mart Supercenter.

The store was packed with so many unseemly looking characters it was like being on some sort of set for a science fiction movie. So many of the people seemed like caricatures. Some looking like they were trying out to be the poster person for White Trash of America.

One was a throwback to the 60s. Long hair, beard, tie-dyed shirt, looked dirty, a stereotypical Hippie. The only thing of this century about him was he was ranting into a cell phone.

Yesterday's Wal-Mart anthropological expedition saw the biggest concentration of Texas Big Hair that I've seen in a long long time. Texas Big Hair is often coupled with really bad, heavily done makeup that looks like you'd need a trowel to scrape it off.

One old lady looked like Bette Davis in her last years. Painted on eyebrows, garish makeup, Grand Canyonesque wrinkles, unnatural looking brown hair that must have been a wig.

But the thing I saw yesterday that will forever linger in the dark recesses of my mind, that being the location where things get stored that I wish I'd never seen, was what was the Biggest Butt I have ever seen in my long long life. This may have been the Biggest Butt in the World.

This Big Butt defies description. But I will try. The Big Butt was on a short woman, maybe 5 foot 2. I turned a corner and came face to butt to it. I'm sure my jaw dropped.

The Big Butt stuck way way out, like several feet from the woman's back. As the woman walked the Big Butt did this strange motion of bouncing up and down. Slowly. This created the illusion that her legs were very short.

I really do not understand how this Big Butted woman was able to walk. It appeared as if the weight of that humongous Big Butt should pull her backwards.

Looking at that Big Butt raised all sorts of questions. Like how did she get those stretchy looking pants on? How did she get in a car? That Big Butt was so Big you'd need a hole in the ceiling for your head. It'd be like sitting on a 5 foot tall cushion. It had to be a convertible. But it was so cold yesterday. Then again, with all that insulative adipose tissue it's likely impossible to get cold.

The Big Butt woman was with a man. A classic Jack Spratt. Skinny little guy. He was pushing the cart. If they'd not been moving so slow I would have kept them under surveillance til they left the store, so I could see how the Big Butt could get in a car.

Why does one let oneself get in this type condition? It's one of the more perplexing questions (for me) of our times. Almost as perplexing as where the hell did those billions of bailout dollars go? See, I've got my priorities in proper order. The economy comes first. Then Big Butts.

I need a real small spy type camera so I can photo-document it when I see something like the World's Biggest Butt. In the meantime, I may go to Wal-Mart again today. It's actually highly entertaining, in an Anthropological Expedition sort of way.